4:12 AM So it's a new year, and new me? Nope, don't think so.
I am stuck in that "transition", the one people get into after graduating, before work. It's like I'm so unsure where to go, what to do, how to set my priorities, what to base them on, and so on. I feel like a sorhem. Apparently, this is very common among new graduates, so I've been told. After applying for my P.R., I will be dead broke. And given that I already felt like shit whenever I asked Daddy for money while I was still a student, it is totally unjustifiable now. And I just refuse to. I obviously may not survive without a little help, but as usual, the extremely proud me will try to resist from asking him for money. I do not like to be dependant on anyone, even if that person is my father. But what choice do I have?
I am nowhere near where I want to be, in my life, my career (or lack thereof?), my weight, geographically perhaps, my love life. I have almost no friends, no real friends. The numbers are getting lower from the already low. I mean who can you trust really? This has got to be the loneliest shithole that's ever been made. But you know, my name was spelt wrong on the tombstone. Guuh-reeeaat. Oh Lord, the list may go on. A new year. I knew that this year would be challenging, but I didn't expect this.
I am desperate for a job. I have gone through preparing my resume, and boy does it look like the most unimpressive shit ever. I am even thinking of applying in Sydney. Apparently the market there is bigger so more jobs are available. What is wrong with me? I don't even like Sydney!
So I came home from a depressing shopping trip, and then I had a conversation with a dear friend, watched my brother 'pou' Resident Evil 5, and walked upstairs and downstairs every now and then giggling inside, thinking, "Chibai this Dorothy and Jenn, fark so long meh?! Farking alot of energy! HAHAHA". Then I had a thought. While I sat watching Chris and Sheva blast through the many leech-like thingies, I looked at Tobey sleeping on my lap. And I enjoyed it. The finer things in life. The FINER things in life. Remember it. These are the few thin strings keeping me alive. The number of strings seem to be getting lesser and lesser. I feel like locking myself up in my four walls, away from the world. I want to run. From everything that I know. It sounds so tempting...hmm.
I asked a friend today...
"If I were to suddenly pack my bags and leave without telling you, and you have no way of contacting me, will you still be my friend?"
"No man, sorry."
How come people believe I can make it, but I don't believe I can?
80% realistic, 20% dream. Ahh fuck that. Thank you Angus.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
