7:46 PM I think the people who are actually interested in me or think I'm O.K. looking are bloody spastic. Because these are the people who usually see me at clubs. For those who are my friends and pay me compliments, I thank you. But seriously, I keep reminding them, it's a club man. Who the fark don't look hot in clubs? First of all, everyone's dressed up and made up. Hey, it gives people a reason to go all out to look good in order to impress. Secondly, it's so farking dark in a club, someone who's not that good looking will also look dam hot la right? Unless they're farking ugly la, then sorry man, make up and no lights, not gonna help. Lastly, you're probably too intoxicated with alcohol to even tell whether someone is really hot or not. To you, most of the people at the club are hot, after a couple of drinks.
So, if someone does pay me a compliment at a club, I feel flattered, and thank you. But I know deep down, it doesn't really mean much la. Because of the reasons above, PLUS, these people haven't seen me in broad daylight, without make up, say, after gym or whatever, and they haven't seen my morning face. Man, even I wanna slap my morning face. Yeap, I don't have all that Au Naturel beauty or whatever. The only thing natural about me is not-so-great skin, blemishes, pimples here and there, and YES, my dark circles are attrocious. That's some pretty farking natural dark circles wei. The body abuse due to lack of sleep and going to bed at the wrong times during my younger years have taken it's toll. And I'm only 21! My body and my skin feels like I'm 30 or some shit.
I walked passed Howard that day in the city, after leaving the gym, and waved. HAHAHA. He was like "Fuck! I almost didn't recognise you! You look so pale!"......To which I replied, YesyesThisIsWhatILookLikeWithoutMakeUp, AndIt'sBroadDaylight. GoAheadAndLaugh.
And he did. LOL.
On to the subject of trust, you know it's never safe to trust someone with some things no matter how much they assure you that it's never gonna get out. It will. Trust me (haha). It's just a matter of time. 5 years, 10 years, 2-3 months? Whatever. It'll come out. During confession sessions, under the influence of alcohol/drugs, being emo-nemo, out of spite, whenever lah. It'll come out one man. Sure one.
And that's when the shit hits the fan. People always make a common mistake that since it was so long ago, it's okay to tell. That's probably true for most things, but not all. There are just some things that will always be lum-pet-si (soft shit, diarrhoea). It'll never go hard. And that stupid fan just never spoils/have a power outage/run outta batteries. I think the only person I know who can really keep a secret is my dad. My mum always told me, "Your father ah, he can know something and take it to his grave. It'll never come out."
This is when you've given it alot of thought. But sometimes, it's already too late. You only think about this issue AFTER you've let the secret out, or after trusting someone. Bloody stupid right. Just do it. Don't think. Some motto. My 2008 motto. Which is slowly sending me to hell.
I've been told that I'm fussy when it comes to guys. Too many principles, rules, or issues. That I'll always find some reason not to go for it. I do agree. I am. So yea la, my problem. I suppose I'll just grow old and die alone haha. I want a happy relationship! Full of fun! Laughter! Stupidity! Sarcasm! Full of spastic shit! HAHAHHA...like really ALIVE. Don't know if I'm making any sense. I just realise most of my past relationships had some spastic problem or something wrong with it. Haha, that is one sad and pathetic history for me.
Alright. Back to chasing my impossible dream.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
